About Me

I feel ageless! I am a mother of 2 children (one adult and one teenager). I have been in a loving committed relationship for 25 years. It is very important for me to call my relationship committed because it has been the most important of my life. In some ways, I am astonished that with everything my husband and I have been through as children we are still together.

I am the eldest of 6 siblings. I grew up the daughter of two alcoholics. My father was on a weeklong drunken binge when I was born. My mother’s alcoholism began many years later. I feel that my parents’ marriage was loveless and they only married because my mother was pregnant with me. Alcohol was to be “the elephant in the living room” in our family life. We lived with my mothers’ parents for the first year of my life. My fourth sibling was born when I turned five. My mother was an impoverished (alcoholism requires a lot of money) 23 year old with five children and an emotionally unavailable alcoholic husband who had a lot of affairs with other women. I spent a lot of spare time with my mother’s parents (summer vacations, etc.) My grandparents doted on me and bought me plenty of gifts. Although, this may read like a peaceful breathing space from my stormy home life, it was actually contaminated by the extensive incest (from my toddlerhood until I was approximately seventeen years old) that I experienced at the hands of my grandfather.  It was like jumping from the stovetop into the fire.

Back at home I did my best to “disappear”. I strongly disliked school, perhaps due to the fact that I am a very creative person who likes to “daydream” a lot! I would go to school on the bus and then run the 2 miles home before school let in the morning.  The principle would call my mother and she would take me back to school. I was actually hard of hearing due to many ear infections (I surgery to have tubes put in my ears when I was 12, now I can hear a pin drop). I retreated to drawing, music and books. Interspersed in this relative “calm” were times of anger, domestic violence, shame and agonizing silence. 

During the times of brief sobriety in my home, I do remember peaceful times when my Dad would take us to the Bay of Fundy to dig clams and visit our aunt who had a wonderful farm by the sea. Also my Mom did her very best to make Christmas magical every year, even though we had to often open our presents in silence due to my Dad’s hangovers. I am grateful and appreciative that today both my father and mother both enjoy long-term sobriety and lead healthy lives!

My parents finally separated when I was approximately 16 after my father fell in love with another woman. My mother started drinking heavily and partying a lot. I felt heightened shame and embarrassment. Needless to say, I was grossly ill-prepared to enter adulthood. While I was still teen I experimented in very risky situations. This mostly revolved around promiscuous behaviors. I was lucky to make it out of my teens alive. I embarked on my first geographic cure when I moved 3000 miles away. I remember making a decision ’round about the age of 20 that I would no longer participate in these life-threatening behaviors. To fill this void I turned to food with a vengeance. I exercised for hours at a time and would not eat if I thought I might gain once. I remember standing on a toilet inside a stall at work so that my co-workers would not see me scarf down a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies. Then I would not eat for days and exercise like a crazy person to “work off” the calories.

At about this point in my life, I joined a 12 Step group for families of alcoholics. All did was sob and listen, sob and listen. They loved me unconditionally. It was the first time in my life that I could just be me. A year later I met a recovering alcoholic we have been together ever since.  Although I was very grateful for my experiences in the recovery group, I still had deep seated childhood issues that I did not feel I could address in this setting. So I continued struggle emotionally, mentally and physically. I still remember the nuturing experiences I’ve in the meetings we all had.

Although I was already a mom of a wonderful little boy, it was not until my daughter was born that started to have flashbacks of my childhood abuse. I did my best to mother my precious baby girl. I felt that she was too pure and innocent to have a mother who was not worthy of anything so special. Today I have come to cherish my two children and see them as gifts from Source Energy.I was soon having suicidal thoughts and fantasies. I now thank God that I never acted out these thoughts. I numbed myself with Lithium and other prescription drugs until I reached out to a dear friend who very lovingly told that she could not help me with these devastating memories. I stopped taking the drugs and went to the sexual sssault center in my city and participated in intensive group therapy, but I continued to live in my head.

Fast forward another 10 years and yet another emotional and mental meltdown. I was experiencing what Dr. Wayne W. Dyer talks about when we find ourselves in an extremely low place in our lives, that we are actually gathering strength to catapult ourselves into a healthy life. Much like a high jumper crouched down very low before she springs over the high bar. I went to another sexual assault center and this time I was ready to heal. I was helped by two very healthy women who were not afraid to be honest with me. I learned to slowly begin to trust others. I learned to be gentle with myself and to treat myself with respect and love. Basically, I learned to rely on my Inner Being which I feel is the older, wiser, broader and larger part of who-I-really-am. I learned not to turn to people who have let me down in the past. I learned that I never have to feel lost and alone ever again. Before I began my healing journey I always felt empty, damaged and unworthy. I identified myself as incest survivor. When I finished my abuse therapy I felt like I’d been let out of prison. I remember feeling like I was standing just outside the prison gate and looking around at the world (which was brightly colored by the way) not knowing which way to turn. Then I realized the unlimited possibilities of life on our planet. Now I no longer just survive, I actually thrive and am thrilled at the possibility of new experiences. I have a more mature relationship with my parents even though they have been divorced for a long time now. I know that they only took care of me the best way the knew how, being abused children themselves. I have practised a great deal of forgiveness. I no longer look to either of them to fix problems in my life. I now know that I exist as I am, therefore I am enough! I have actually been guided step-by-step, by wonderful group of extremely generous people to an Awakening-to a recognition of the Total Me!

I love to study the teachings of Abraham-Hicks, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Summer McStravick, Wallace D. Wattles, Napoleon Hill and many others! Late last year my daughter who is a wonderfully like-minded young lady, came running into our living room squealing with delight that she had just watched a trailer of a film called The Secret. She was actually jumping up and down with excitement. She said, “Can we get Mom, please say we can order it”. A half hour later we all cuddled around the computer monitor watching a film which would be one the most life-altering films I have ever watched. We paused (to discuss what we were hearing) it so many times I lost count. I couldn’t stop thinking about this film. I already new a little about the Law of Attraction, the teachings in this movie have filled my life meaning.

In March this year I purchased a wonderful program created by Bob Proctor (one of the teachers that appears in the “The Secret”) to further enhance my life experience and continue with Law of Attraction. I am thrilled to have found such a life changing program and a way to sharing a life filled of love, peace and wealth with everyone I meet. I love having the opportunity to show others how they can also improve their lives beyond their wildest dreams!

 Katherine Wagner